Dear Borderline Personality Disorder

I used to think being vulnerable meant
To tear down your walls with someone’s consent
Even if it hurts you, destroys you inside
To reach out for some help was to swallow your pride
I thought opening up was an innately exhausting
Because the person holding my hand discouraged my
They told me I’m cold, I’m selfish, careless, mad
They weren’t in my mind, disillusioned and sad
So I dug holes in my skin to find something to give
During times when I felt there was no reason to live
Until later, realising I’m covered in holes I didn’t create
I found STEPPS, I found help, I found a clean slate
I’d been blindly grasping at intimacy when I felt alone
Not knowing I had skills and resources of my own
A thought it a concept, not necessarily a fact
Even now I can forget to keep reality in tact
But mindfulness taught me I’m here and it’s effortless
I don’t feel like a stranger within my own tenderness
I’ve met others like me, I’ve felt what they share
I see beauty in madness, I have hope in self-care
I’m not a clean slate, nor a smooth transition
A relapse can happen, it’s all part of the mission
These hollowed out spaces are evidence of ways
I let the wrong voice in and wasted my days
But now the steps I have learned have a certain ring
to me, you cannot hold me, you cannot cling to me
Let go, it won’t serve you, choose what you allow
I’m free and I’d like to hold on to myself for now.

by Ellie